HUMOUR - Heaven or Hell?

Bill Gates arrives at the pearlies......

"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
"Sure!" said Bill, "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went.

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.

"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver."

Mouse Balls

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather humorous
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.

Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method.

Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Human DNA Secrets Uncovered

Subject: The Human Genome.

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. The mystery is now finally solved. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments! Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows...

/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:001.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:001.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:111.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy - will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:141.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:331.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:201.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:561.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:041.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:211.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth. Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:181.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:092.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:112.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of CD.
*/
/* Standard definitions
*/
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#ifndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper library sometime soon.
*/
Construct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}

Customer Support

This is said to be a true story from a major word processor software producer's helpline. Supposedly, the help desk employee was fired; however, he apparently sued the organization for "Termination without Cause".

Here is the actual dialogue of that former Customer Support employee:

"Customer Support Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with your word processor software."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in the program, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a C: prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power outage ??? Aha !!! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Oh, yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!"

Computer Haikus

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
but now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located.
But endless others exist.

Abort your effort.
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.

Windows has now crashed.
I am the blue screen of death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen, mind; both are blank.

This crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?

Rather than a beep,
or a rude error message,
these words: "File not found."

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
The page is not here.