CARS - High-tech hydrogen scooter designed to sell clean technology

An Industrial Design Engineering graduate from Delft University of Technology in the Netherlands has designed and built a working prototype of a scooter, which can be powered by hydrogen. Crijn Bouman, who graduated for his Master's degree with credits, designed the Fhybrid scooter for the purpose of fighting pollution in inner-cities. Industrial designer Bouman: "the look and feel of the scooter are aimed at selling the clean technology inside".

The scooter has an electric in-wheel motor that derives its power from a (Li-)ion battery. This battery (primarily when the scooter is stationary) is charged by a compact fuel-cell system, which derives its energy from hydrogen (from a tank) and oxygen (from the air). The battery moreover stores up energy when the scooter brakes. Depending on the amount of traffic, this so-called regenerating braking system reduces the hydrogen consumption by 10-20 percent. To use the energy generated during breaking optimally, the scooter is front-wheel driven.

Apart from being environmentally friendly, the Fhybrid performs better than regular petrol powered scooters during test drives. The Fhybrid has a top speed of 65 km/ph, accelerates faster than regular scooters and can travel approximately 200 km on a full tank of hydrogen. An additional feature is the parking assistant. The electric engine can be very precisely controlled when travelling at low speeds, enabling the driver to park backwards or forwards without having to push the entire scooter into place.

The Fhybrid is designed to be hydrogen-powered, but for now the prototype is powered by batteries, with the help of a fuel-cell simulator that was specially designed for this project. "A special course and various permits are required to build a hydrogen-powered engine. It wasn't possible to achieve this during the time period of my graduation project", Crijn Bouman explained. "The faculty is now trying to assemble all the necessary means to fully develop the hydrogen-powered scooter."

The Fhybrid's complete drive system and energy management system were built by Epyon, a TU Delft spin-off company, of which Bouman is one of the founders, and in partnership with the Delft Design Institute.

Rice scientists attach motor to nano car

HOUSTON, April 12, 2006 -- In follow-on work to last year's groundbreaking invention of the world's first single-molecule car, chemists at Rice University have produced the first motorized version of their tiny nanocar.
The research is published in the April 13 issue of the journal Organic Letters.

"We want to construct things from the bottom up, one molecule at a time, in much the same way that biological cells use enzymes to assemble proteins and other supermolecules," said lead researcher James M. Tour, the Chao Professor of Chemistry, professor of mechanical engineering and materials science and professor of computer science. "Everything that's produced through biology – from the tallest redwood to largest whale – is built one molecule at a time. Nanocars and other synthetic transporters may prove to be a suitable alternative for bottom-up systems where biological methods aren't practical."

The motorized model of the nanocar is powered by light. Its rotating motor, a molecular framework that was developed by Ben L. Feringa at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands, was modified by Tour's group so that it would attach in-line with the nanocar's chassis. When light strikes the motor, it rotates in one direction, pushing the car along like a paddlewheel.The first nanocar research paper, published the journal Nano Letters last October, was the most-accessed article from all American Chemical Society journals in 2005. That paper was co-authored by Kevin Kelly, assistant professor of electrical and computer engineering.

The nanocar consists of a rigid chassis and four alkyne axles that spin freely and swivel independently of one another. The four buckyball wheels that were used in the original version of the nanocar drained energy from the motor and were replaced with spherical molecules of carbon, hydrogen and boron called p-carborane.

Initial tests carried out in a bath of toluene solvent found that the motor rotates as designed when it's struck by light. Follow-up tests are underway to determine whether the motorized car can be driven across a flat surface,

The nanocars, which measure just 3-by-4 nanometers, are about the same width as a strand of DNA, but much shorter than DNA. About 20,000 of these nanocars could be parked, side-by-side, across the diameter of human hair. They are the first nanoscale vehicles with an internal motor.

Other members of the research team include postdoctoral associate Jean-François Morin and doctoral student Yasuhiro Shirai.

AC Ace

With the current Ace, AC throws its hat into the ring as a manufacturer of truly luxurious sports cars. This is mostly thanks to a long term contract with Lotus who now supply the 350bhp engine which can be fitted to the Ace as an option, the alternative being a 305bhp Ford V8 "Quad Cam" unit. Apart from fearsome supercar performance, the Ace also boasts creature comforts appropriate to a prestige vehicle, such as air conditioning, full hide interior and satellite navigation to name but a few.

AC Aceca

The Aceca (pronounced ah-SEEK-ah) is one of the world's very few genuine four-seat long distance tourers, and is a direct competitor to cars such as the Aston Martin DB7 and Porsche 911. Powered by the same choice of either Ford or Lotus V8 engines that power the Ace, the Aceca will produce up to 350bhp and deliver the electrifying performance of a true sports car whilst still offering accomodation for four adults and their luggage in unashamed luxury.

AC Cobra MKIV

The Cobra MKIV CRS (Carbon Road Series) is based upon the same platform as the Superblower but features a carbon-fibre bodyshell which gives the car a significant weight saving. The car is powered by a 5 litre V8 producing 225 bhp. The CRS is available at a lower price than the Superblower but still built to the same exacting standards, thus putting AC ownership into a much wider circle than before while still retaining the essential AC values and performance.

AC Superblower

The AC Superblower is the current incarnation of the legendary Cobra, a name synonymous with sheer power, speed and motoring muscle which was listed for many years by the Guinness Book of records as the world's fastest production car. The Superblower is set up to meet the latest environmental regulations around the world, but still delivers truly staggering performance thanks to its supercharged 5 litre V8 engine which develops an impressive 320 bhp, and a lightweight aluminium body. Each Superblower is totally hand built and prospective owners can even visit the AC factory to watch their cars being manufactured.

Ariel Atom

No doors, no windscreen, no roof. If it doesn't need it, the Atom hasn't got it.

A true minimal sports car with race bred construction and components, the Atom is the first new vehicle to bear the Ariel name for 27 years and has been designed purely for ultimate driving performance and serious fun on the road or track. Weighing only 500 kilos (approximately half of a Ford Fiesta) and featuring a 1.6 or 1.8 Rover K series engine (Lotus Elise, MGF) the 2 seater Atom is unique in combining race car dynamics, road car safety and motorcycle levels of performance.

Priced from around ú14,500 the Atom outclasses any other vehicles in its field and has the ability to embarrass practically any other road car, regardless of price, in terms of performance. Founded in 1898 Ariel is one of the oldest names in British motoring history producing early Grand Prix cars, but best known for their motorcycles such as the famous Square 4 and highly regarded for their technical innovation and advanced engineering. The Atom is just the first of an exciting range of vehicles from the new Ariel Motor Company designed to build on the tradition and values of the original.

The Atom is the brainchild of Simon Saunders (46), Director of Ariel and a consultant automotive designer. Originally working on motorcycles, before designing for GM and subsequently Aston Martin, Saunders is uniquely placed to understand the requirements of the enthusiast who is looking for a pure performance vehicle. "The Atom is designed to give the thrill of a single seat racing car or motorbike while remaining safe, legal and practical," says Saunders. "The growing interest in 'track days', where you can drive on race circuits at high speed in safety, helped focus our concept of a race derived road car that was equally at home on the road or on the race track." With a philosophy of form following function and minimal complexity to save weight and cost the Atom is a truly new, exciting and original piece of automotive design.

Basis of the Atom is the exposed, large diameter, bronze welded tubular steel space frame. Designed using sophisticated computer modelling and testing techniques the chassis provides safety levels that are exceptional on a car of this kind which are reinforced by integral front and rear rollover tubes giving a driver and passenger safety cell. "Safety is often a low priority on vehicles of this type and we were adamant that primary and secondary levels of safety on the Atom were kept as high as possible," says Saunders. All cars are also equipped with 'E' or FIA 4 point full harness seat belts.

The minimal bodywork, developed in the wind tunnel, consists of several composite panels to reduce weight, expense and repair costs. "Exposing the mechanical components allows most adjustments, including suspension, to be made easily and quickly without removing any body panels" says Saunders, "but passengers are also fascinated to watch the steering, suspension and wheels working as you drive." The adjustable composite twin seat unit, offering high lateral support, has been designed for as wide a range of drivers as possible to solve the interior space problems often encountered in vehicles within this class.

Unique on a road car at this level and reflecting the Atom's race bred design, suspension is by double unequal length wishbones and inboard, push-rod operated dampers front and rear, usually only found on single seat race cars. Fully adjustable dampers and suspension geometry allow the Atom to be quickly set for road or track use or to individual preferences. The Atom also incorporates many other features usually only found in racing cars, such as adjustable front/rear bias brakes, PC compatible instruments and an adjustable 11 turn, lock to lock, competition steering rack. "Adjustability is a key word in the Atom. We know it will be used hard on the track and no road car will succeed there without the owner being able to experiment or make necessary adjustments," says Saunders.

The Atom is sold as a basic track car to which can be added road or race packages. Road packages have been designed to European Type Approval standards, including seat belt mounts, steering column safety, exhaust emissions and lighting (quick release headlamps, stored inside the car, are yet another simple and unique Atom feature). The Atom is subject to SVA (Single Vehicle Approval) and race packages conform to FIA and RAC rules.

Available with a variety of options, mostly performance related but some cosmetic, the Atom allows owners to specify a car to their exact and individual requirements or to tailor it for a change in use during ownership. Engine tuning options include those developed by Rover Power Train for the K Series to take the engine to 140bhp and 165bhp or right up to a race specification 190bhp, as used on Lotus Elise R190 and MGF Cup race cars. Further tuning packages to take the engine to over 220bhp are currently being developed for release shortly. Options of a close ratio gearbox, competition brakes, race dampers and various wheel and tyre configurations are available to complement the engine packages.

The emphasis for performance of the Atom is geared towards acceleration and handling as top speed generally becomes more academic on today's roads. Weighing only 500 kilos the power to weight ratio of the Atom, even with the standard 1.8 engine (250bhp/tonne), exceeds that of a current Porsche 911. With a tuning package it betters that of any Ferrari or Lamborghini and with the 190bhp race engine (380bhp/tonne) the Atom reaches levels only found in professional racing cars.

The final key element of the Atom design was to keep prices low and to make ownership as easy as possible. "The whole essence of the Atom is about the driving experience, having fun and also being able to afford to keep one in your garage," says Saunders, "I think we've proved with the Ariel Atom that supercar performance and sensational fun is within the reach of anyone who wants it."

Aston Martin DB7 Vantage

The Vantage name has been used by Aston Martin since 1950 to identify the highest performance model in a particular range. It was first introduced for the Aston Martin DB2. Since the DBS model in 1972 a Vantage derivative has included changes to the specification of the brakes, steering and suspension to match the improved performance. Now, a New Aston Martin Vantage has arrived on the scene, the DB7 Vantage , with a maximum speed in excess of 180 mph (290km/h) powered by a totally new, high technology 420 horsepower 6.0 litre V12

This new and additional model of the DB7 which has been designed and developed specifically to provide exceptional and outstanding levels of power and performance will accelerate to 60 mph (100km/h) in less than 5.0 seconds.

There is a choice of either a six speed close ratio manual transmission, which is unique to the Vantage DB7, or a five speed ZF automatic which permits the driver to select individual ratios through a floor mounted shift-lever or through the Touchtronic push button operated electronic control system. With the six speed transmission the DB7 Vantage has a maximum speed of 185mph (298km/h) while the automatic derivative has a governed maximum speed of 165mph (266km/h).

The DB7 Vantage, available in both Coupe and Volante body styles, is the first ever Aston Martin to be powered by a 12 cylinder engine and is being offered for sale to customers in 31 different countries throughout the world. The new 420 horsepower, 48 valve, all-alloy V12 engine delivers 400lbs ft of torque and is the first of a totally new generation of advanced technology Aston Martin power units which are already capable of exceeding the most stringent of current and projected emission standards. It incorporates the latest in Formula I technology and has been designed and developed in close cooperation with the Ford Research and Vehicle Technology Group and Cosworth Technology. Features include an engine oil/water heat exchanger to improve cooling efficiency and an ionised gas misfire detection system.

The 60¦ V12 Aston Martin engine, which is designed to operate at a maximum speed of 7000rpm, features four valves per cylinder, twin overhead camshafts for each bank of cylinders and a sophisticated Visteon electronic management system which has the capacity to process 1.6 million commands per second and monitors and controls fuel injection, ignition strategy, traction control, vehicle security, exhaust emissions and the engine's diagnostic system.

The Brembo brake system, with Teves four channel electronic anti-lock control, has ventilated cross drilled 355mm diameter discs at the front and 330mm diameter discs at the rear. It has been designed and tailored specifically to cater for the exceptional power and performance of the Vantage DB7. The distinctive new multi-spoke 18ins diameter aluminium alloy road wheels have been developed especially for the DB7 Vantage. There are 9ins width rims at the rear and 8ins rims at the front, equipped with ZR rated 265/35 Bridgestone SO2 tyres for the rear wheels and 245/40 SO2 tyres for the front.

The advanced traction control system monitors and analyses the performance of each individual road wheel on a continuing basis. In the event of wheel spin or slippage it will apply a correction within 64 milliseconds by reducing the power output of the engine and if necessary activating the rear brake system.

Both the front and rear suspension systems of the Vantage DB7 have been developed specifically for this new 185mph model to optimise the precise handling which is a feature of all DB7 models. At the front there are new upper and lower wishbones in conjunction with a new design vertical link, while there is an additional horizontal linkage incorporated in the independent rear suspension. New design Bilstein shock absorbers in conjunction with higher rate springs are included in both the front and rear suspension systems.

In order to accommodate the V12 engine and the new range of six speed manual and five speed automatic transmissions a new design underbody has been created for the DB7 Vantage. It includes a new front-end structure, an enlarged transmission tunnel and increased strength and torsional rigidity for the complete assembly. As with all other models of the Aston Martin DB7 the new Vantage model exceeds by a wide margin all present day crash test requirements.

Other notable design features include new and wider openings for the radiator air intakes with a new bright metal design grille. There are new front fog and turn indicator lamps reminiscent of the Project Endurance Racing Cars of the 1960s and a new high mounted rear stop lamp.

Within the luxurious interior there are new heated, Connolly hide upholstered front bucket seats with adjustable cushions, backrests and headrests together with new design instruments. The Alpine stereo radio cassette complements the large red separate engine start button which is mounted prominently in the centre console unit close to the analogue clock.

Every Aston Martin is produced individually to satisfy the precise needs and requirements of its future owner. Customers are provided with an infinite choice of body colour and upholstery schemes and there is the opportunity to specify alternative materials in place of the traditional wood veneers for the instrument, centre console and door panels.

Traction control, a multi-track CD player, air conditioning, electrically heated front seats, together with electrically heated rear screens and door mirrors, twin airbags and a fully adjustable steering column are available for all Aston Martin DB7s. In addition customers may specify features as diverse as satellite navigation, fitted luggage, an umbrella holder, parking sensors or an extended luggage area in place of the rear seat which can even be supplied with individual accommodation for the carriage of family pets.

Audi Avus Quattro

When first displayed at the 1991 Frankfurt Motor Show, the mid-engined Auvs, named after a Belin racetrack, upstaged every other concept vehicle on display.

The Avus Quattro was finished in unpainted aluminium which recalled the racing heritage of the great Auto Union record-breakers of the 1930's. The Avus's specifications were nothing short of stupendous. Powered by a 6.0 litre 60v 12 cylinder engine which Audi claimed would propel the Avus to a staggering top speed of 211 mph and a 0-60 time of 3 seconds.

The cylinders were arranged in three banks of four cylinders, and would produce 509bhp. The Avus also featured four-wheel drive and six speeds.

Audi Project Rosemeyer

This mean, menacing, crouching vehicle is not a TT on a serious course of steroids, but the latest production from the Audi Design Team - Project Rosemeyer.

Named after legendary racing driver Bernd Rosemeyer, himself quite a big lad, this car bears many features reminiscent of the historic Silver Arrow Auto Union record-breakers of the 1930's. The massive radiator grille, the long engine cover falling away to the rear with it's vertical air inlet slots, the gleaming brushed aluminuim bodywork: all these features capture the spirit of cars from a bygone era.

Also, like the Silver Arrows, this vehicle could be powered by a large capacity 16-cylinder engine, positioned just in front of the rear axle. There is certainly enough space between those giant rear wheel arches. This concept would also no doubt feature Audi's Quattro permanent four-wheel drive system.

Other external elements include xenon headlights behind clear glass covers, large diameter drilled brake discs behind impressively large 7-spoke wheels and cameras instead of mirrors to satisfy the demands of the aerodynamics engineers.

The interior is trimmed with fire-resistant quilted Nomex like a racing car or helicopter cockpit. Two leather-covered bucket seats accomodate the driver and passenger behind a panoramic wrap-around windscreen. Controls include adjustable racing pedals, an open lever gate for the six-speed gearbox mounted on the prominent centre tunnel and a steering wheel with four spokes at 90°: intervals.

At the rear of the cockpit is a window which provides a clear view of the powerful engine, with an analog tachometer to give it's pulse reading. The interior also features brushed aluminium, carbon fibre and leather trim.

As far as we know, Audi has no plans to produce this vehicle. It is a prototype and is not ready to be driven, nor has it been created in anticipation of a production vehicle: it is a technological and design showcase of the potential of the Audi brand.

Audi Project Steppenwolf

Following the successful launch of the Audi allroad quattro, this concept vehicle, first presented at the 2000 Paris Motorshow, now shows how the Audi development engineers visualise a high- performance all-rounder for the compact class.

This study for the compact class also makes use of Audi's quattro expertise and experience with the height-adjustable air suspension. The engineers had set themselves the following goal: the "Steppenwolf" project should be able to master rough terrain in extreme conditions just as effortlessly as high-speed driving. It should feel equally at home in the outback as on the motorway.

The free-revving 3.2-litre V6 engine developing 165 kW (225 bhp) allows acceleration from 0 to 100 km/h in under eight seconds. Its top speed is well over 230 km/h. Its peak torque of 320 Nm is available across a wide speed range.

The quattro permanent four-wheel drive system ensures maximum traction and excellent directional stability in all conditions and in all types of terrain. The electronically controlled Haldex clutch distributes power between the front and rear wheels. If the front wheels slip, part of the torque is put to the road smoothly via the rear wheels as required. In addition, the Electronic Differential Lock EDL distributes torque between the wheels on one axle. And the Electronic Stability Program ESP helps the driver remain in control if confronted with potentially critical driving situations at the limit.

One of the special features of the "Steppenwolf" project is its 4-level air suspension with an adjustment range of 60 millimetres. This groundbreaking Audi system qualifies the compact three-door model as an all-rounder in a class of its own: ample ground clearance of up to 223 millimetres for difficult terrain is just as feasible as a low centre of gravity and optimum aerodynamics at high speed.

Audi development engineers have come up with an innovative solution for the parking brake, which acts on the rear brake discs. An electronically controlled electrohydraulic system performs the function of the conventional, manually activated handbrake.

The body of the "Steppenwolf project interprets contemporary Audi design in its own new way. Sports character and elegance, functionality and geometric precision are its most important traits. Wide, clearly contoured lines and large, pure surfaces combine to produce an architecture in which calm and tension are equally present. No superfluous swage lines or curves upset this visual clarity.

The "Steppenwolf" is designed to be an all-rounder. Just like its legendary ancestors, the Audi quattro and Sport quattro, it offers the technology of a full-blooded sports car - on both asphalt and gravel tracks.

HUMOUR - Heaven or Hell?

Bill Gates arrives at the pearlies......

"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
"Sure!" said Bill, "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went.

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.

"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver."

Mouse Balls

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather humorous
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.

Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method.

Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Human DNA Secrets Uncovered

Subject: The Human Genome.

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. The mystery is now finally solved. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments! Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows...

/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:001.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:001.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:111.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy - will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:141.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:331.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:201.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:561.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:041.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:211.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth. Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:181.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:092.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:112.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of CD.
*/
/* Standard definitions
*/
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#ifndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper library sometime soon.
*/
Construct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}

Customer Support

This is said to be a true story from a major word processor software producer's helpline. Supposedly, the help desk employee was fired; however, he apparently sued the organization for "Termination without Cause".

Here is the actual dialogue of that former Customer Support employee:

"Customer Support Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with your word processor software."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in the program, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a C: prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power outage ??? Aha !!! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Oh, yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!"

Computer Haikus

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
but now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located.
But endless others exist.

Abort your effort.
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.

Windows has now crashed.
I am the blue screen of death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen, mind; both are blank.

This crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?

Rather than a beep,
or a rude error message,
these words: "File not found."

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
The page is not here.

Music - Prodikeys

Creative, the worldwide leader in digital entertainment products for PC users, has created and launched the Prodikeys. The first integrated music and PC keyboard, Creative Prodikeys caters to anyone who wishes to play, learn and create music in a fun and entertaining way.

"The Creative Prodikeys is an innovative and revolutionary product that brings a new dimension to interactive music entertainment," said Sim Wong Hoo, CEO of Creative. "We would love to equip every home and school PC with a Creative Prodikeys. We have combined our music and audio expertise to create an affordable, fun and easy interactive way to learn and play music for the mass market."

This unique and revolutionary interactive keyboard is a standard, 104-key PC keyboard with 37 touch-sensitive MIDI keys embedded. The included Creative Prodikeys software allows anyone with or without a musical background-novice or professional-to play, learn and create outstanding quality music quickly and easily. While in "Learn" mode, users can even learn to play a song in five simple lessons. Intelligent Chord Accompaniment will fill in the right chords and a full orchestral band when playing a melody with just one hand. With Creative Prodikeys, users can even record and save their performances in MP3 to send to family and friends.

Creative Prodikeys can be connected easily to any desktop PC via the standard PS/2 port. The Prodikeys' design allows it to fit comfortably onto the user's desktop without taking up additional space, making it convenient to work and play music on the PC.

Features & Benefits

# Integrated music and PC keyboard for playing, learning and creating music easily on the PC.
# 104-key standard PC keyboard.
# Music keyboard with 37 touch-sensitive keys, "Fun" button, volume control, pitch bend wheel and an ergonomic wrist rest.
# Realistic audio quality of up to 128 different musical instruments and effects-change the instrument, tempo, or rhythm with the touch of a button.

Bundled software features four modes designed for learning and playing music easily:

# Impress mode: Play impressively even without musical background.
# Penta Tunes for playing a tune with the 5-tone scale and matching rhythm, effects and instrumental fill-ins.
# Fun Tunes' Professional Deejay mixes for creating impressive music grooves just by holding down the music keys.
# Learn mode: Learn to play at your own pace.
# Easy Play mode: Play with full orchestral accompaniment using just one hand.
# Perform mode: Perform in style and produce your own music.
# Customize your own performance settings with chords, instruments, rhythms, tempos, etc.
# Record and save your performance in WAV, MIDI or MP3 files.
# Import a MIDI or sequence file for multi-track recording.

100 different music styles under 10 categories: Ballad, Slow Ballad, Pop, Dance, Rock & Roll, Old Latin, Modern Latin, Jazz, World Music and Folk.

# Compose and sequence your own music with other MIDI sequencing software.
# Works with any desktop PC (Pentium 233MHz or higher and standard PS/2 port).
# Can be combined with Creative's award-winning Sound Blaster® audio cards to experience excellent, realistic sound quality of a wide range of musical instruments and sound effects right at the PC.

The Yamaha RS7000

The Yamaha RS7000 is without doubt the most intuitive, musically powerful, easy to use integrated sampling sequencer ever to hit the market. It boasts every feature required for producing professional quality dance grooves in a single box, a truly hands on approach to music making, a combination of integrating loops and samples, over 1000 onboard synth voices, 63 drum kits and 6 filter types and 18 assignable knobs allowing you to bend and twist your way to dancefloor fame with the minimum of fuss.

According to the highly influential DJ magazine, the Yamaha RS7000 "...will go down in modern music making history, pushing the boundaries of live / DJ performance. It features just about every conceivable thing you could possibly need for professional level dance music production in a single box, it also an awesome desktop studio."

Building pro tracks couldn't be easier, MIDI and audio can be seamlessly integrated, sample scan easily imported from a variety of formats, brand new loops and phrases can be created from original samples or even the internal sounds can be re-sampled for total creative flexibility.

The 18 assignable knobs and pads provide real time control over sounds,
samples and MIDI sequences.

The RS7000 brings all aspects of professional music making together in one easy to use creative tool. Everything you need for professional level music production particularly in dance, techno, Hip Hop , R&B and ambient styles.

Probably the most powerful and unique aspect of the RS7000 is its ability easily mix audio and MIDI data. The 4-Mb of onboard sampling memory is expandable to a massive 64MB. New loops and phrases can simply be created using a variety of sources, samples, internal sequenced sounds. The integrated sequencer automatically breaks the samples down into discrete parts based on amplitude peaks and generates a corresponding MIDI sequence.

Audio beats of differing tempos can then be synchronised and processed with unique features and tools such as theg rid groove function.

The 6 distinct types of onboard filters include phat, resonant low pass, band pass and high pass - all easily controllable with a sophisticated multi-stage envelope. Advanced LFO modulation capabilities include numerous BPM synchronised waveforms plus a number of user programmable waves allowing easy creation of unique BPM synchronised effects.

The onboard recording functions offer 16 sections of 16 tracks each, and a 200,000 note-per-song linear sequencer. The RS7000 features advanced editing functions and patterns can be auditioned in real time.

The RS700 is the ultimate boys toy for pro music production and according to DJ magazine is "an awesome addition to live DJ performance".

Yamaha RM1x

Are you a live remixer/producer? Do you work in a studio and demand that the session runs smoothly? Are you fed up with sequencers that have the timing capabilities of a sundial? Does the term General Protection Fault ring any bells? Praying for the day you can make some serious music on a device not designed to do word processing? Say hello to Yamaha s new box of tricks, as your prayers have been answered!

Start playing the new RM1x Sequence Remixer from Yamaha, and you won t be able to tear yourself away. This is no ordinary sequencer. It s a tweakable, playable music gener-ator with remarkable editing and performance features that take you into new realms of sequencing heaven. You ll be amazed at how easy it is to create and perform tunes that never drop a beat (unless you tell them to).

As a sequencer, the RM1x extends on the features found in Yamaha s acclaimed QY700. You get 700 onboard voices, 960 aggressive preset patterns (with room for 800 user pat-terns), and up to 16 full tracks of sound.

But what s best about the RM1x is the way you can control editing and realtime performance by playing the user panel. The 16-key microkeyboard makes it easy to build great sequences, and lets you switch patterns instantly during realtime performance (And it won't crash with a general protection fault in the middle of a gig!) The 8 realtime control knobs give you dynamic control of the sound on each track, and can be reassigned on-the-fly. The large number of buttons and controls invite experimentation, and reward you with a remarkable stream of driving, swinging, ever-changing pattern and song play.

Of course there s even more. Like great visual feedback from an large backlit LCD, a four-digit beat counter, 32 flashy LED indicators, and excellent MIDI support that lets you input sync signals and control an external sampler or tone generator. Plus SMF support to ensure compatibility with your crash prone PC should you want it!

Oh... and a built-in floppy drive for easy data saving and loading.

Realtime Control of Play Effects

Control play effects on each track in real time during performance simply by turning the control knobs. For example, use TIME STRETCH to gradually change your bass-drum tempo from 4 beats to 8 beats. No need to go into editing mode or to use the cursor.

Realtime Grid Grooves

This features lets you control the groove at 16th-note intervals in real time. Use this feature to con-trol Note Offset, Clock Shift, Gatetime Offset, and Velocity Offset during performance. The Note Offset groove, in particular, gives you the same kind of phrase composition offered by analog step sequencers.

Realtime Voice Editing

Control cutoff, resonance, EG-decay, pitch-bend, and more in real time.

Large Backlit LCD

A large backlit LCD with great graphical displays for editing, setup, and performance monitoring. Four dedicated dials allow for rapid, intuitive data entry.

Mute Memory Use

this feature to memorize groups of tracks that you need to mute. You can apply or release the mute for each group at the press of a button. Sections Each style consists of 16 patterns, or sections ("A" to "P"). You can switch sections on-the-fly simply by pressing the corresponding section key (on the microkeyboard). You can also select whether switching occurs on the nearest 16th note or on the next full measure.

Sequencer

A full 16-track sequencer with resolution of 1/480 quarter note. You can use the LCD to view the event list, to control mixing, and more. The internal FDD lets you save your sequences in SMF format.

Arpeggiator

The RM1x arpeggiator produces some very cool arpeggios. And you can make them even cooler by adding play effects and grid grooves. And again, you can control the arpeggios in real time.

MIDI

With ample MIDI support, the RM1x can control playback from an external tone gener-ator or sampler, and can synchronize with the MIDI clock of an external sequencer or with MTC (MIDI time code) from multitrack recorder such as the Yamaha MD8.

Roland SP-808EX emix

The original SP-808 was a classic Roland product that offered something that no-one had thought of before. A ZIP disk based hard disk recording workstation with a powerhouse effects unit bolted on, and innovative real time performance features such as the D-beam and an onboard mono-synth. The dance fraternity, who went straight for the classic Roland filters and blistering scope of the effects, particularly took the product to heart.

We now unveil the latest revision of the SP-808, the SP-808 emix studio, which builds on the concept of the 808 but takes it into a new direction. The SP-808 is such a unique product that its uses do not stop with the dance scene. We envisage the SP-808EX sitting in a wide variety of situations, from post-production work to theatre, adopted by live radio and software houses alike.

To help achieve this vision, the capacity of the ZIP drive has been increased to 250M and the amount of onboard effects has been increased by 50%, to 150 preset and 150 user algorithms. Innovative effect algorithms such as a Vocoder and guitar based effects means that the SP-808EX is at home in a variety of applications.

Further versatility is provided by the addition of an OP-2 expansion board, which offers SCSI, Coaxial and optical digital in and out, as well as four XLR track output connectors. Of course, all the original features such as the D-beam and on board mono-synth [and those blistering effects] are still present. The rethink doesn't stop "under the bonnet" either, since the SP-808EX now comes in a translucent casing, allowing you to see into the heart of the machine.

Quote: "Another dance favourite gets upgraded and broadens its horizons at the same time. Software houses, for example, can use this as an excellent tool for speech scripting in their games, and theatres will benefit from its portability, without compromising on quality. A future classic!"